Tuesday, June 16, 2015

I am worth it.

There is a large tumbling bubble of STUFF that has been weighing on my heart for quite a while. I hope I can explain and get my thoughts out sufficiently... It might take awhile. :)

It has to do with Love.

Some of us women have a little demon that likes to pop its evil little ugly head up when we look in the mirror, look at other women, think about ourselves, think about other women... we compare the things we are good at and bad at, how we look, what we weigh, how people treat us, to the people around us.
"Why is SHE so good at everything?" "Why can't I do that very well?" "I don't understand. How can she do it ALL so well?" "Why does she look so nice all the time?!"

The taunting little voice of doubt and pity turn louder and louder until they echo through our minds by the thousand and drown out our pleas of peace and Slam into our heart repeatedly as though trying to break through walls. They don't give up, they haunt us in our darkest hours. They refuse to leave us alone, and kick us when we are down. Evil evil little demons that try to make us believe that we are worth less than what we have been taught, and trick even our minds to hate the mirror.

More than ever it tries to haunt me. Mirrors turn into enemies and even my eyes grow dark with anger at the sight of all the things about myself that I want to change. Restless hatred of my faults and weaknesses pounded my head with reminders of my failure...
Sadness echoed from my thoughts as I tried to push away the wonderings. "WHY? Why do I struggle with these things? Why do they treat me like that? Why can't I love myself anymore? What is wrong with me? Why can't I quiet these voices and find rest?" Endless questions, all plagued with doubt to feed the hungry devils gnawing my soul to a pit of nothing.

That starving hunger to feel like you are ENOUGH, despite how lovely anyone reassures you that you are, will never leave you alone until you realize the truth. That you ARE Enough, you always were enough. So worth it that God sent His most beloved Child to face death, alone, for YOU. YOU were the reason... He was willing for his Son to Die and be tortured, because He wanted YOUR soul to be saved. It was so precious to Him that he dare not lose it. How His heart must have been broken into shreds watching His son in so much pain and suffering, and at the same time bursting from the Joy of saving your soul and giving you the chance to live FREE. Free from the chains of hell and free from the hopeless endless flames.

Only in understanding this, in the small way we can try, I realized that Living like I am worth it was merely a side effect of understanding just how MUCH God loves Me.

Tears drop as I write because of the hope in that statement. Until I believe it completely, I can never convince myself of my worth. Without His Love, I am worth nothing.
He doesn't love you because He needs you, but because He wants you.

And then it all makes sense. That I will never be "enough" for myself and my pangs of insecurity, only for Him. The more I strive to prove myself worthy, pretty, kind, talented or loving, the farther I am away from understanding my worth. Only in HIM do I have security or certainty of Love for myself and others.

You have been intricately painted and shaped; painstakingly He added your details and habits and quirks.. with a soft smile taking over His face He stretched the places He knew would make you special, and gave you that crooked little smile for when you feel treasured and the lips that would part in wonder when the raindrops fell and knees that would kneel in worship to Him. A tear dripped as He carved out your tendancy to care for others and carry their burdens with them and feel their heart breaking as if it were your own... with careful tenderness he shaped the fingers that would write out praises and prayers and questions and answers... and He kissed them individually as He thought of the souls you would touch for His sake.

Truly, You Are Enough.






Wednesday, June 10, 2015

The kind of day today was.

Today was a great day. A "go to Bath and Body Works semi-annual sale" kind of day. And a "buy body sprays in the multiple for 3 dollars each" kind of day. You can't go wrong with one of these days. Heehee.
It was also a "get up early and do cardio" one. A feel great day all around.

When I left the house this morning the sun was shining in one of those hot "beating down" ways and big jungle storm rain drops started dropping left right and center. It was a beautiful rainbow kind of moment where you wonder how the 2 most amazing things, sun and rain, can mingle and dance together in a magical moment of bliss. A moment where you look up and your breath is lost and your eyes drift close and your arms lift and the smile of a thousand stars tickles your lips to the tune of the pounding raindrops echoing off the earth.

Did I ever tell you how much I love the book Anne of Green Gables? Please tell me if you share in the love and we can share a special moment haha. You know one of those where somebody says they love something and then you kind of open your eyes real wide and can't get words out past the excitement and kind of point to them and you and them and you really fast with an idiotic grin filling your face and squeal "ME TOO!".  I listened to the audio book a couple of months ago and I think I'm itching for another dose.
I sort of see the world through the same kind of eyes as she does sometimes.
I'm kind of just a dreamer.....;)

Monday, June 8, 2015

My current state of mind

Outside my window...the bright June sunshine is drying the raindrops from the grass and birds are chirping cheerily. It POURED rain all night:)

I am thinking....about the fact that I forgot to start the washing machine a few hours ago. Ahem. I'll be back.
 
I am thankful...for pouring rain!!! <3 *besotted sigh*
 
In the kitchen...a Fresh Cucumber candle is burning. I'm usually not into fresh scent (sweet scents are my LOVE) but this one smells really really delicious! Also I am in love with my hand soap that is called Love, Peach, Joy from bath and body works. MMMM!!!! (hand soap, I know, soo interesting. welcome to my life.)
 
I am wearing...a flowy light purple dress with white retro looking floral print and a lace belt tied around it.
 
I am creating... a blog post mwahahaha!!
 
I am going... to finish cleaning out my back room... I prooomise... sometime...(this year hopefully) (resigned embarrassed harrumph)
 
I am reading.... One Thousand Gifts Devotional by Ann Voskamp. It is the best devotional I have ever read!!! She is such a poetic writer and her thoughts are very complex and lovely.
 
I am hoping...for the most amazing summer of all time:)
 
I am looking forward to...This SUMMER!!! I want to go camping and one of my favorite things about summer is going to the beach for supper, campfire and Canada Day fireworks.
 
I am learning...How to have the self-discipline to do certain things every day to make me feel better and have a better day. (get up on time, work out, morning devotions, eating healthy and taking my vitamins, etc.)
 
Around the house....cool fresh grass smells are wafting from the windows.
 
One of my favorite things....is the feeling of being absolutely completely overwhelmingly HAPPY and content. <3

Thanks to this lady for the idea;P

Hope you all are having a beautiful day wherever you are!!!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Just out of reach

Just Out Of Reach
This is my favoritest thing I have ever written in my life I think.
There's something about one's own words that they wrote out of the depths of their imagination that is just so gratifying and awe-striking to see that on paper it is just as magical as when one felt it.
One of my favorite feelings ever.

Hey!! Pssst!

:)
Let me tell you a secret.
This is gonna be my little hideaway where I sneak away to share little raindrops and sunbeams from my day and my daydreams and tidbits of my cute lil wife life. So grab a cup of hot tea and come with me and we can whisper funny stuff and make a day of it!!!
That would make me really excited. :) (Lots of smiley faces. Because I'm happy heh heh.)

I went to the beach today. It was........... glorious. Warm sand, happy thoughts... I feel so refreshed. Something about dozing in the warm sun with the sound of gently lapping waves soothes me...
Anyways. I hope this is as fun for you as it is for me. I love writing by the way. and rain on a window pane. Tell me what you like. Then we can have a secret little sharing session and make each other happy. :)